I’m not sure exactly when it was that this understanding came to meet me.
Quite frankly I would have benefitted from it much earlier in life.

This questionable logic that I’m about to offer you serves any relationship – romantic and non, single or multiple, work or personal. But the outfit that it looks best dressed in, is love.

As I got older I began paying closer attention to the things couples complained about in reference towards one another. Married, and those tip-toeing around the idea of playing house. The theme is clear as day: love does not favor time, in the realm of disappointment. Whether 3 kids in and 3 decades together or 3 weeks while also seeing 3 other people – our expectations of those we love is our detriment. And most often, (fight your ego on this), our expectations of ourselves, pale in comparison to the weight we put on others.

We take no responsibility.

We look for absence in everything before the presence of something. And that is not to say we should tolerate minimums of any quantity. But rather, measure ourselves first.

A lack mindset in a relationship not only implies that you are disappointed in the outcome of the person you love, but if one were honest, it would also imply two things: you chose a person who is not operating at the standard that you do, and you are disappointed in your choice of people.
Painful to take down, but a necessary nutrient.

Now, I didn’t read this method in a textbook, no, I wish, perhaps more digestible.
Nor did I learn it from my parents, that would likely not have left me writing this like some grand epiphany.

Far more humbling.

I learned from Banks.

Each day, waking up giving his version of one hundred, whatever that may be.
It may look like 70 it may feel like 30, but it is his hundred. Leaving me to witness, that he is doing the best he can with what he has available to him.

Now, this observation only has power in the realm of two elements: gratitude and equal contribution. I too, began to provide my version of one hundred.

The desired sum is not two hundred, might I add.
It is one hundred. Weird right?
If two people are aiming for their version of one hundred, wouldn’t the logical goal be to end with 200 and a 50/50 split from both individuals? Impossible.

Impossible because we are human. And to assume that any one person, will be their one hundred self, each day, for the rest of their days, is to end in disappointment.
Rather, aim for one hundred, as two.

Some days, you may have 75 in the tank and they have 25. Other days its 40/60. And on magical days where the stars align, 50/50 – rare but in reach.

Notice above where I said, witness, not assume. That’s where we always fall short as partners – we assume too damn much. Assume of yourself, people will watch you, and they will be influenced by the expectation you have of yourself to show up.

Ask yourself, “what is my version of one hundred?” feels a bit metal & bolts, I know.
But it’s not an affirmation. It’s just a question that you’ll begin to position when you find yourself irritated or disappointed. That’s how it will begin. When you don’t want to do something or expect someone else should – what would your one-hundred-self do? How would they show up? Do that.

Now you know that saying, it takes two..
It starts with one.

It’s not just your partner that will thank you, it’s all of us.

Happier you’re here,
Kenny