Do you have people in your life that, if you ask them for a favor, or to “hold space for you”, it constantly feels like you’re crossing one of their boundaries?

This whole, asking people if they “have space for us” is fairly new age. I’ve participated because I used to label it as being – polite, respectful, considerate. It’s become the question we ask before we tell them a story, or ask them for advice, or request a favor – because of the sensitivity around respecting others.

There are obvious considerations in work settings, or off-putting discussions, that sound like “hey can I interrupt you?” or “can I ask you a question quickly?” – that’s not this.

This type of boundary discussion is relative to asking for support, advice, a favor, an ear, space to vent, company, etc.

The, “do you have the space for this right now” has created a swap of responsibility – hear me out.

Boundaries should not become the responsibility of another person to pulse check you, to see if you have space.

It’s your responsibility to say “hey, I got a lot on my plate right now, can we chat later (*insert affection of choice*)?”
– or-
“hey, I wanna make space for this, but I can give it the attention it deserves later tonight?” 

Relationships are beginning to lose their natural trust muscle because we now feel like we are required to sit in this waiting room of approval to ensure we aren’t testing someones boundaries or if it’s a “bad time” – when in reality, that’s not our job.

Our job is to choose friends and partners that we trust, and to know that they have the strength and integrity to set the boundaries that make sense for them, and communicate that. Committing to the fact that they will show up for you, the best way they can, when they can – and communicating that. 

Now, with family members this can get dicey because in most cases, we do not choose our family, and that trust muscle can be sensitive. But if we can commit to our own boundaries, we are leading by example to the people in our lives. (Family & this topic is tough tbh)

A boundary also isn’t a weapon – or at least shouldn’t be. 

A boundary should never sound like a threat, or insult to make someone feel bad. A boundary should never be passive or aggressive, (in most cases) and in this specific type of boundary discussion, a healthy boundary, has a return or acknowledgement. 

“I’m swamped right now but I’ll be free tonight with full attention” 

The people in your life, shouldn’t have to feel like asking you for space is burdensome, they shouldn’t have to feel like they need to earn your time or earn a favor from you, and when we have to pulse check boundaries, it begins to create the sentiment of an IOU bank, instead of generosity that exists, simply because.

Remember when we discussed “playing at 100” in romantic relationships last November? The approach is the same. If two people take independent responsibility to contribute, to their level of 100, on any given day, you’re set up for success.

My girlfriends and I have a really bad habit of apologizing to one another when we have a vent session with what feels like a bottomless pit. “Ugh I’m sorry that was a lot,” or “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to put that on you.”

Instead of trusting, that if they didn’t have the room for it, they wouldn’t have texted back and dialed in, or they wouldn’t have answered the FaceTime. Instead of apologizing, we should start saying, “thank you.”

“Thank you for holding that space for me” 
And you know you’d do the same for them.

“Thanks for running that errand with me, I was too anxious to go alone”
And you know you’d do the same for them.

Faint and distant are the days where the majority of us aren’t keeping score.
(& it’s more dominant in females, not sure why)

“I did X for them, I don’t get why they can’t X”

Our attitude of giving to receive defeats the whole purpose of generosity.

I remember when Banks and I first started dating, not even 1 week in and he refused to let me take an Uber to or from the airport. Some would call that southern chivalry. But I noticed I wasn’t special, in a good way.

That kindness and generosity applied to everyone in his life. A friend arrives from anywhere, to a city he is in, and if he is available, he will pick them up and drop them off to where they are going, even if it isn’t to our house.

I quickly realized, his friends did the same. And not just with him, with us, with me alone. It doesn’t matter when, if they are available, and they knew we or I, are arriving, they pick us up. Only to be in the car with us for maybe 15-30 minutes, and just be there. Because they can.

On my end, none one of my girlfriends today, show up empty handed to my house. Is that because I never show up to theirs empty-handed? Who knows.
But I know that it is an independent responsibility we each feel proud to carry. 

Three things I personally will be working on:

• Trusting my friends to set their own boundaries, instead of me checking their boundaries. 

• Saying “thank you” instead of, “I’m sorry” when people show up for me.
  
• Setting my own boundaries enough that people won’t have to worry about checking them. 

All in all, I have friends I talk to maybe once every 3-6 months and ones I speak to weekly, each know that they can call me to walk their dog, pick them up because of a flat tire, offer them advice, be an ear, give a rec, get them from the airport, or have a laugh. And they know, that if I ever can’t show up for them in that moment, it’s not personal. I love them, and when I can, I always will. 

And I know the same to be true on the other side. 

Happier you’re here,
Kenn